OkCupid Dating Profiles: Aries to Virgo

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Online dating profiles act as revealing little snapshots, even if they are not 100% honest. If each Zodiac sign were a person, what might their dating profile look like? The self summaries from OkCupid were used as templates for this article, which covers Aries to Virgo. Stay tuned for Libra to Pisces, next week.

Aries

Looking for someone who can keep up with me. I keep it physical, whether I’m on the battle field, on the hunt, or in the bedroom. I said hunt; I’m a licensed bowhunter and recently bagged a twelve point buck. I also smoke two packs a day, but it doesn’t slow me down when I’m free climbing or cage fighting. Sex will be on my terms, and it will happen ASAP. If any of the above makes you squeamish, don’t waste my time by contacting me. Not interested in geeks or tree huggers.

Taurus

I’m typing this from my favorite chair (the one I haven’t moved from in the past five hours). I have a supply of my favorite chocolate and beer within easy reach. There’s an empty chair beside me, and you could be sitting in it (as long as you don’t change the settings on the tv, or take the remote). You’ll never go hungry, or be cold, stressed or uncomfortable if you’re with me. I will treat you right. I also know how to live: I have everything I need, including a fat bank account, comfortable routine, and fully stocked pantry. It would be nice if you could join me, but I’ll get along just fine without you.

Gemini

Where do I start! LOL!! I’m into sci-fi, rom-coms, comic cons, jazz clubs, yoga, hanging out with my five hundred besties (not all at once – well, maybe sometimes, LOL!) And music! Adele, Grimes, Justine Bieber, Shawn Mendes, Ellie Goulding, One Direction, Missy Elliot – I could go on but I think there’s a limit to how many words I can type. What are you into? Basically, I’m looking for someone I can talk to ALL THE TIME, who doesn’t care that I never shut up! Also – ooh, I almost forgot – I’ve just started this book called “Wordbirds” which is AMAZING! It’s listed on Oprah’s Book Club. Have you read it? You don’t have to be a huge reader, btw, but the more stuff we can talk about, the better. Ciao!

Cancer

I’m ready for a hug, but only once I feel (in my gut and in my bones) that you are 110% safe. I’ve got my blanket and my pudding and my cozy home, all waiting for you. Once you prove yourself, that is. I’m an animal lover, so you must adore my ten cats, five gerbils and two dogs. They are part of my family. Speaking of family, I have a ton of emotional baggage that I’ll be sharing with you. And I want you to share your stuff with me. We can cry about it together, and the intimacy will make sex that much hotter.

Leo

You probably recognized my picture from those ads for ____. Yes, I am a little bit famous, but don’t be shy about contacting me. Just make sure your profile includes at least one clear head shot and one full body shot. It’s important that we look good together (because I look really good) so I’ll only be contacting you if you’re as hot as I am. It’s actually quite difficult for me to meet anyone, because there are all these preconceptions about gorgeous, successful people (like me). I’m entitled to the best, and that’s how I live my life. Some people are just jealous, I guess. When I’m not modelling, I’m busy working on that Kickstarter campaign you may have heard of: _____.  Yep, I’m the brains behind that one.

Virgo

I’m reasonably certain that I won’t meet anyone one on this site. If you happen to think my profile sounds intriguing, you’ll probably think I’m tedious after a few email exchanges. If by some bizarre chance you decide that you want to meet me, you’ll probably be turned off when we do meet. Or I’ll discover that there’s something wrong with you. I bet you’re an addict, chronically unemployed or have insurmountable anger issues. I only attract deeply flawed individuals. But feel free to drop me a line, and maybe we can connect. I hope I don’t sound too negative. I really would like to meet someone, and if you have drug or alcohol issues I can totally help you with those. Actually, I can make you ten times better than you are right now. But here are a few, minor specifications that you must meet: you’re between 5’8 and 5’9, 150 to 155 pounds with a BMI of 22.5. You have dark, curly hair (no thinning hair, please). And no facial hair. And minimal body hair (but it’s ok if you wax). I hope it’s not inappropriate that I listed all these specifications about you in the “self summary” section.

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